compassion is overrated

Compassion. It’s not exactly trending as the word of the year, especially in the wake of recent political devastation. Yet, we hear it everywhere. It’s held up as a virtue to strive for. “Be compassionate,” we tell our kids. “Show compassion,” others remind us.

But, compassion is overrated.

Let’s start with the definition: “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” Sounds noble, right? But look closer. Compassion, like sympathy, is a one-way street. The giver decides who is worthy of their charitable emotion. This power dynamic—the ability to “feel sorry” for someone—can easily slide into mere performative acts.

When we “like” a post about a child with Down Syndrome completing an Ironman triathlon or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, we feel good about ourselves. We’ve “shown support.” But what have we actually done? It’s an empty gesture, a fleeting moment of pity disguised as kindness.

Too often, compassion carries the baggage of pity and smugness. As the parent of a beautiful son who uses a wheelchair, I see it in the looks we get. People glance at him, then at me, and their faces say it all: “thank god, my kids are healthy, but bless you, your life must be so hard.” Rarely does anyone stop to say hello to him. Rarely does anyone treat him like a person instead of a symbol.

So, what’s the alternative? Empathy.

Empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” It’s not about feeling sorry for someone; it’s about imagining their experience and connecting with them as equals. The first step to empathy is curiosity and imagination. What’s it like to be that person? What do they think and feel? Empathy requires us to ask questions and truly listen to the answers. It’s a two-way exchange, not a one-sided performance.

I recently read a story from a parent of a child with special needs. They described an incident where a mom scolded her daughter for staring at their disabled son. “Don’t stare,” the mom said, trying to be polite. But the parent of the disabled child saw it differently. By telling her daughter to look away, the mom was sending an unintended message: people who look different should be avoided.

Instead, the parent suggested something radical: encourage your child to make eye contact. Smile. Say hi. Teach them that different isn’t something to fear or ignore. It’s an opportunity to connect.

This isn’t to say compassion has no place in our world. It does. But it’s not enough. We have to go further than feeling sorry for someone. We have to engage with them as equals.

In times like these, with division and fear running high, it’s more important than ever to look past our assumptions. Before we judge or avoid someone who makes us uncomfortable, let’s start with something simple: eye contact. A smile. A “hello.”

Because empathy—not pity, not performative compassion—is what truly connects us.

For my Dream Box:

👜 Ting Hopper bags: My talented, artist/lawyer friend, Rita designed these beautiful bags and I love them so much that I have become an unofficial, self-appointed ambassador. Aside from being unique and stylish (I have the mosaic and floret models), they are super practical (light and washable!) and magical (a laptop can fit into my floret bag!).

⚾ Seinfeld: Well, not exactly about Seinfeld, but the idea of mastery. In the era of quick fixes and instant gratification, I really appreciate this idea behind mastery: “[y]ou must be willing to spend most of your time on a plateau to keep practicing even when you seem to be getting nowhere.”

☃️ Winter Survival: This cashmere-blend shirt is the main reason I haven’t packed up my family and moved to the tropics this winter. It’s soft, but not scratchy, and so so warm. In my ideal world, I would own every color.

🔪 Culinary Class Wars: As a former fanatic of the Great British Baking Show, trust me when I say that you’ll never go back to watching another “typical” cook-off after you watch these crazy Korean chefs competing. It’s like if Squid Game got married to Physical:100.