how did i do?

In my prior life as a corporate lawyer and investment banker, year end reviews were an annual rite of passage before I was handed my much-waited bonus. I always dreaded these meetings with my boss because it felt like a cross between a communist “struggle session” and an addiction anonymous meeting. As the dreaded month of December approached when I would have to reflect on how many hours I billed and how much richer my clients became over the year, all I would be thinking was, “can’t you just pay me and get on with it?”.

Now that I run a fledgling, local business, I am so relieved that I don’t have to live through another awkward December. However, I’m surprised to find myself missing the cathartic experience of a forced, formal reflection time. It’s true what people say - running your own business is a lonely path. And, being a caretaker, whether for your children or your parents, is even a lonelier path. As much as I hate to admit, there is something nice about external affirmation and feedback of your work, not to mention the value of constructive criticism. Without these, I sometimes feels like the ouroboros, trodding along an infinite loop.

So, I decided to do a self-review this year, even with no one patting me on the back for a good job done (or criticizing me for my shortfalls) . My hope is that this gives some of you readers who are in a similar situation a vicarious satisfaction in some way.

1. What are your biggest accomplishments this year and why?

   I feel like I spent the year running a sprint race, only to barely stay in place. Even though I haven’t achieved any milestones this year, can merely surviving be considered an accomplishment, even if I’m not in a war zone or lost in the middle of the ocean? I mean, I did manage to keep Own Your Wonder afloat, though still very far from the pre-pandemic level, while keeping my three kids healthy and happy (at least most of the times). I reluctantly admit that I feel a bit of self-loathing for this nagging sense that I should have accomplished more and better. But, nevertheless, I’m still pretty damn proud of fulfilling my privileged role as a caretaker and entrepreneur this year.

2. What were your biggest challenges this year and why?

   I’ve always been committed to prioritizing my family over work. The challenge has been compartmentalizing my responsibilities so that my second priority has a fighting chance against the all-consuming and unpredictable first priority.

   It would seem obvious that assigning order of importance to my domestic and professional job did not lead to a healthy balance of putting equal weight to them. So, rather than actually juggling between family life and work, I just let the former bully me around. No regrets for sure - I would have chosen playing with toy excavators with my 3-year old son over Zoom calls, any time, any day. But, my struggle to lay down boundaries resulted in me questioning my sense of identity and purpose, which was not great for self-esteem.

3. How do you think you did with teamwork and collaboration?

   Terribly. I don’t know how to ask for help - not from family, friends or strangers. I don’t know how to delegate either. It all seems more work than just doing it myself. I also hate inconveniencing anyone or feeling like I’m indebted to someone. Being fiercely independent can be a long way away from effective teamwork and collaboration. I’m still trying to figure this one out. It feels like I’m paradoxically too lazy to push off or share my work with anyone. I realized only this year that learning how to be part of a collaborative team (even if it’s just your family) is a real skill that I need to work on.

4. What are your areas of improvement for next year?

   In theory, I like to think that I protect my time zealously because every hour of my day is accounted for. But in reality, I give away my time frivolously to meetings, coffee dates and amateur life coaching for friends, colleagues and acquaintances. When someone asks for advice or help, my knee-jerk reaction is to say yes, without much consideration to how that will impact my own needs. I think the core issue is that I feel so resigned about other people (especially my loved ones that I take care of) dictating the daily rhythm of my life that I don’t think twice when someone else wants a piece of me.

   So, without sounding selfish or ungenerous, I plan to work on self-discipline in drawing healthy boundaries in my life and saying no more often. Self-preservation and self-elevation seem like good goals to have in 2023 if I’m going to be happy and excel at my job.

Happy new year, everyone! As we crash into 2023, I’ll be thinking about one of my favorite quotes from the sculptor, Elizabeth King:

Process saves us from the poverty of intentions.

For my virtual Dream Box this week:

🛁 Sabon: I used to love going into their shop back in my NY days and smelling all their wonderful creams and soaps. While I hope that they’ll open a shop in DC one day, I can at least go online to get my favorite body scrub.

👩‍👦Holding Moses: As I navigate through my unique motherhood with a special needs child, I grasp at inspiring stories about others like me. This short video by the New Yorker brought tears for its honesty, rawness and beauty.

🧥 Belstaff Cruiser: Between my two recent trips to Boston and the weather being relentlessly cold in DC, all I want is a warm (but not frumpy) coat. But, why are coats so expensive these days? Have you seen how offensively expensive brands like Moncler is? I can’t afford this one either, not even on sale, but a girl can dream, right?

🚰 Coway Water Purifier: I’m one of those weird people who likes to drink plain, hot water all day, especially in the winter. It won’t be an exaggeration to say that this little water dispenser is my happy place in our house. I love the room-temperature water for my water bottle. I also feel deeply happy just pressing its red little button to fill up my oversized cup with steaming hot water to sip while watching K-drama with my daughter. Yes, call me weird.